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Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip:
Emotion and Sport
Robert W. McGowan
For decades adults have heard "the thrill of victory and the
agony of defeat". With the emphasis on "success"
and every person participating it may be that children are not learning
about the agony of "losing". .. .are not learning
the lessons of coping with less-than-success. It seems
that we make every effort so our children do not fail, suffer the
indignities of losing, or hurt associated with attacks on self-confidence
or self-identity. The question begs, "if children don't
fail how will they cope with less-than-success in their future"?
We all know that "real-life" is not filled with successes.
We have all heard well-wish ers consoling "losing is all apart
of the game". If losing is part of game or competing
then how do we incorporate "losing" into the curriculum,
into the competitive experience?
How should parents and coaches help children
cope following "losses/defeats"?
- blame the weather conditions.
- blame the referee for not calling
infractions.
- blame the unfair play of competitors.
- blame it on lack of skill
- blame it on lack of talent
- blame it on lack o f strength or endurance
- blame it on "God"
or Karma
- All or any of the above
- None of the above
- Don't know/ don't care
The latest research indicates only how individuals
cope with losses, not which is the "best". It is
clear, however, that Americans tend to assume personal responsibility
for both successes and for losses. In fact, research indicates
that American children may feel better about losses or defeats if
they think that they had some control over the reasons for the defeat
or loss. These children may benefit from a discussion of factors
that they have control over that may have influenced the outcome,
i.e., endurance, strength, or skill. If followed by a discussion
focusing on what they might do to influence these factors children
may indeed "learn" to approach failure or defeat in a
positive active style rather than adopting a style of learned helplessness
which is a precursor of frustration, anger, and depression.
Children of other cultures may cope differently.
For example, West-African children ha ve indicated that a spiritual
influence may influence outcome. Several American athletes
have also adapted this way of coping with loss.
Whatever the mode, it seems that we should include
"coping with loss" strategies in our PE curriculums and
our sport programs.
Robert McGowan
Coaching Section Editor
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Helping Athletes Deal with Setbacks
Dr.
Patrick J. Choen
One of the major challenges for a coach in any sport is helping
athletes maintain confidence and composure after mistakes or setbacks.
This month is coaching tip month, but this article also applies
to athletes as well.
In football for example, fumbles, interceptions, missed blocks, dropped passes,
and missed tackles are very frustrating events for both coaches
and athletes. Emotions can run high. A coaches' immediate reaction
after an error is to be disappointed and/or tell the player how
to prevent the mistake from happening in the future. From my perspective,
you first need to be in control of yourself before you can help
the player gain control and regain his composure. Here
are a few tips for helping your athletes play on with confidence
and composure immediately following a mistake.
Peak Performance Sports
Dr. Patrick J. Cohn
All Rights Reserved.
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The National
Council for Accredidation of Coaching Education (NCACE), will
host the 2002 National Coaching Conference in Colorado Springs,
Colorado, June 13th-15th, 2002. The theme of this year's conference
will be "Coaches Count: Meet the Challenges of the 21st Century".
For more information, please contact the NCACE office (800-213-7193,
extension 417).
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Helping Children Cope with Failure
National Network for Child Care's
Connections Newsletter
Christine M. Todd, Ph.D.
Child Development Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
University of Illinois Cooperative Extension
Copyright/Access Information
As I was testing bread recipes in preparation for writing an article
on cooking activities with children, I made several mistakes. First,
I tri ed using a bread dough recipe with honey in it. The result
was a sticky mess that I could hardly knead. Frozen bread dough
worked much better. I'm sure a traditional bread dough without the
honey would also have been easier to manage.
Next, I tried rolling the dough into little balls to put on a cookie
sheet. I thought bite-size pieces might be fun! I soon discovered,
however, that it was hard to roll bread d ough into balls. So I
made breadstick shapes instead. My next mistake was to burn the
bread sticks. Obviously breadsticks cook faster than loaves of bread.
But I had forgotten to reduce the cooking time enough for the first
batch.
As I was sitting there, happy to have tried things out before writing
the article, I suddenly had a disturbing thought. What exactly do
we teach children by providing t hem with activities that never
fail? Would all my hard work leave them with the impression that
adults never fail? Or, that an activity has only one goal - to make
a perfect product? Or, that we should always try to avoid mistakes?
With this thought, I realized that in my attempt to provide well-planned
activities, I was actually keeping children from a valuable learning
experience - making a mis take. Mistakes are not inherently bad.
Everyone has heard the example of Mr. Goodyear who tried to make
rubber hundreds of times before he got it right. If Mr. Goodyear
had let failure stop him, we might all be riding around in cars
with metal wheels!
Similarly, research has shown that the children who are good in
math are also those who tend to make more mistakes. These children
are not stopped by failure. Rather, they continue to explore the
problem and search for new solutions. Eventually, they are successful.
As a math teacher once told a group of parents gathered to learn
how to help their children, "No one ever learned anything by
being right!"
One of our jobs as caregivers should be to help children distinguish
between mistakes that are "ok" and those that are not.
Acceptable mistakes are those that arise through experimentation
and creativity, those that result from conditions beyond our control,
or those arising from lack of knowledge. One of the most exciting
times I had with my youngest son was when his third grade teacher
encouraged him to "make up" recipes. I had my doubts when
the recipe included 1 cup of salt, 1/2 cup of peanut butter, and
3 cups of flour. But we tried it anyway. It was pretty awful. We
made faces as the salty taste hit us. Next, he decided to reduce
the amount of the salt and increase the amount of peanut butter.
That batch was decidedly better. We kept changing the proportions
and adding new ingredients until we had developed a fairly decent
peanut butter cookie. And the smile on his face when he had achieved
this goal was wonderful!
Of cour se, children do have to learn to avoid mistakes under some
conditions. When the outcome is very important, it is better to
be careful. I wouldn't like to fly on an airplane whose pilot took
a rather relaxed view of making mistakes during landings. And I
definitely don't want my surgeon to make a mistake if he can help
it! I also have little tolerance of individuals who routinely make
mistakes out of laziness or carelessness. Somet imes, it is important
not to make a mistake.
But most of the time mistakes are a fairly routine part of life.
When children make mistakes we need to help them cope effectively.
As children become more product-oriented around eight or nine years,
they begin to develop the mental ability to evaluate their products
against a standard. They may become very critical of their mistakes.
We can help children learn to have a more relaxed attitude about mistakes
by:
- Laughing at ourselves when we make mistakes;
- Providing enough materials and supplies so children always feel
they can start over if they make a mistake;
- Reacting calmly when mistakes do happen (e.g., "Oh, well.
It didn't turn out. Too bad. We'll try it again sometime.");
- Helping children learn from their mistakes by focusing on what
they could do next time to avoid the problem;
- Encouraging children to turn their mistakes into successes (e.g.,
change the odd-looking bird picture into a very colorful free-form
design).
It is a terrible burden to feel you can never make a mistake. The
next time your activity flops just relax and laugh. Realize that
you have just changed the goal of the activity from "developing
cooking skills" to "helping children cope with failure."
DOCUMENT
USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National
Extension Service Children Youth and Family Educational Research
Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials in whole
or in part for educational purposes only (not for profit beyond
the cost of reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive
acknowledgment and this notice is included:
Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care
- NNCC. Todd, C. M. (1993). Helping children cope with failure.
In Todd, C.M. (Ed.), *School-age connections*, 2(5), pp.
3-4. Urbana-Champaign, IL: University of Illinois Cooperative Extension
Service.
FORMAT AVAILABLE::
Internet
DOCUMENT REVIEW::
Level 3 - National Peer Review
DOCUMENT SIZE:: 11K or 4 pages
ENTRY DATE:: February 1996
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questions about particular topics, please email one of the following
Coaching Section Editors: |
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Talking
to Children about Failure
HE-457, June 1990
(Reviewed and reprinted February 1994)
Deb Gebeke
Family Science Specialist
Most people grow up with the idea that failure is a major problem
in their lives. They will go to great lengths to avoid failure.
Often this includes avoiding many activities they would truly enjoy
just because they are not comfortable with the risks involved. They
may need the approval of others to view themselves as successful.
Parental (coach) Reactions
Som etimes children come home from school or extracurricular
activities feeling a sense of failure. Children often tend to compare
themselves to their peers. Your child may be afraid of your
reaction as well.
Negative Reactions
Parents (coaches) may react by using sarcasm or
by ridiculing their child. This type of teasing is never appropriate.
Children have difficulty sorting out what is meant by teasing and
what is a direct attack on them. Parents (coaches) may
also react by becoming angry. When you tell the child, "That's
it," or "Never again; you blew it this time," or
something even more harsh, it is usually out of anger and frustration.
But this will only reinforce the sense of failure in the child.
Statements to Avoid
Some parents (coaches) try to soften the blow and make
excuses such as, "It was just a bad day," or "You
did well; they just didn't understand." They may even go so
far as to blame someone else and deny the failure. This can be confusing
to the child. The child is trying to sort out the incident and needs
support, guidance and encouragement.
Suggested Statements
Avoid denial and excuses as your first response. If you truly
feel a need to "soften the blow," try a hug, a smile and
recognition of the child's effort. Try, "I can see that you
tried your best, and I'm proud of you," or "Sometimes
things don't go very smoothly. I know you will do better next time."
Positive Reactions
To provide the support and encouragement a child needs, you
must first understand what the real meaning of the child's experience
involves. Failure should be viewed as un avoidable and as a learning
experience. Your child may be viewing the failure as letting you
down or as proof that he or she will never succeed. Appropriate
questions can be asked to avoid negative reactions and help guide
the child toward positive growth. Failure and setbacks are opportunities
to learn. Successful people try to evaluate the outcome rather than
focus on the win or loss. Ask your child: What happened? What
caused this to happen? What can you do differently next time?
Follow these questions with more encouragement to try new experiences.
Steps for Success
When your child experiences a failure, assure the child that
it's OK to make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of life. Be ready
to share some of your mistakes as well. Affirm the child's
feelings. Your child feels bad about this and wants to be understood.
The next step is where the encouragement and su pport need to come
through. It would be easy to say that it's OK for your child to
withdraw or quit. However, quitting at this point will reinforce
a child's inability to succeed. Children need to be encouraged to
try again. Make trying again a "safe" experience. Wait
until the child is ready, but don't wait too long. Break the task
down into small goals, and work together to accomplish each goal.
At School
You can "set up" a success by carefully planning the
events. For example, a child failing a spelling test may need several
simple review sessions "set up" to assure success and
build his or her confidence. Ask for help from concerned teachers
or counselors if it is a school situation.
At Home
If it's a home-related experience, use the same approach. For
example, a teen learning to drive may have a bad experience. Allow
time for the child to thi nk it over, and then make a plan together
for success. To build confidence, be sure to "set up"
a success, such as driving out in the country to avoid major pressures.
Always offer encouragement and avoid the "You'll never learn"
statements.
Encouragement
Each attempt and small success needs to be followed up with
encouragement. "You can be proud of how you handled that."
"You did it! Be proud of yourself!&quo t; "You really
solved that problem well." These are examples of appropriate
encouragement. Avoid "fixing" your child's problems.
Give the child space and time to think about the incident and begin
to understand why it happened. Listen without judging. Avoid saying,
"I think you should..." Instead, say, "Tell me what
happened," or "What could you do differently next time?"
Finally, provide another opportunity so on after the incident to
begin succeeding so the real growth and learning will follow. Encourage
the efforts as well as the successes.
* parenthitical (coaches) added by Page Editor
NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State University of Agriculture
and Applied Science, and U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating.
Sharon D. Anderson, Director, Fargo, North Dakota. Distributed in
furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914. We
offer our programs and facilities to all persons regardless of race,
color, national origin, religion, sex, disability, age, Vietnam era
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employer.
This publication will be made available in alternative formats
for people with disabilities upon request, 701/ 231-7881.
North Dakota State University
NDSU Extension Service
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Questions to Ask, or
Thoughts to Share?
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