Kids Deep Thoughts
This is from an 'actual' newspaper contest where entrants, age 4 to 15, were asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey, a former Saturday Night Live skit.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life?
-- Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
-- Age 6
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
-- Age 5
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
-- Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
-- Age 15
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe 'Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?' or 'Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?'
-- Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
-- Age 15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four
basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
-- Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
-- Age 15
